literature

This won't work

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xdeepthinkerx's avatar
Published:
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Literature Text

Roll on some cheap sticky plastic
Or even gloss and shine
But those lips I'm afraid will forever frown
You know what you did
And even if you don't realize now
For now my friend all I can see is a fake
I want to take back those words said to you
That made you this way
But I know you've been hanging around with boys
I know you trick them and tease them
You think they will fill the void
The void of what happens to be an empty friendship
The empty hole left by your family
You hold so tightly to the times
You can't see they changed and things are better now
So now as you strip yourself of dignity
And put on that short skirt
You finally look in the mirror and say
This just won't work.
I don't know it was late and I was bored. I thought about my friend who turned into a slut and crap and idk. Life has been rough lately and I thought about writing some of it out.
© 2010 - 2024 xdeepthinkerx
Comments3
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NiennaSwift's avatar
:iconlive-love-write: CRITIQUE


Your last lines "So now as you strip yourself of dignity/
And put on that short skirt/
You finally look in the mirror and say/
This just won't work" are the best lines of the whole piece, I think it presents the true meaning of the poem better than all the other words put together.

I find that the poem doesn't seem to have a good flow or rythm. It seems choppy and all over the place.

Reading this I think you probably wrote it when you were flooded with emotion about the topic. It's great to vent out words like this (I do it often) but I think you could improve upon your initial feelings by revising it when you're calm.

I think it could improve if you formatted it different, following a traditional rule. I don't think free-flow verse is working for it, unless it was highly edited with different line breaks and line placements (indenting some lines, putting one word per line at different indentations, that sort of thing). Even then I think a traditional format would suit it better.

That being said, you got your point across loud, clear and straight-forward.

I think poetry in general is better if the wording is a little more obscure than the language you chose.

On a personal level, I relate to what you wrote and understand completely where these emotions are coming from, and that's the point of poetry- to get your emotions across, which you did!